That Unnecessary Trepidation

On a Cloud

2009-10-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

The title doesn't mean I'm happy. :/ I couldn't think of anything else. I could have wrote "I'm not dead!" or something more profound, but I don't feel like it.

I just want to take the time out to ask, "Howz ur lief?"

I've found new potential friends, lovers, hobbies, and loathes.

Please excuse me if this post is fairly empty. I mean who really tries to fit several months of life into a single blog post?

don't off me yet! I do live.

DL # 8

2009-08-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

All I can say is

This fucker needs a new camera.

DL #7

2009-07-25T01:04:00.000-07:00

This guy might be the biggest doucheboulder™ (J) in the world!

He is gorgeous though.

He even has enough time in his busy muscle bound schedule to kiss his bicep from time to time.

MMmmmm cheap underwear. :)

DL #6

2009-07-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

This guy is more for a cutesy taste.

He wants to be a housewife that makes him cool in my book.

DL #5

2009-07-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

I really like this guy.

This is Bryan.

He adores Beyoncé, he's 20 and he's a libra.

All this is inconsequential, because he looks like this.

I'm done with this one. :)

DL #4

2009-07-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

Okay just thought I'd get the ball rolling on the DL Friday's thing again.

We'll start off with this guy.

James a.k.a Jimmer™

I didn't just add the trademark. that was all his doing.

I think it's funny...

2009-07-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

how gay guys can find a plethora of kindred spirits on blogs. A way to let out your emotions, vent, and make conversation. Apparently lesbians don't do such things.

My friend has been looking for blogs similar to mine and the ones I look at. We simply can't find any.

Guys... we are such chicks... T_____T

/fail

This One Takes the Cake

2009-07-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

I figured I wouldn't post anything until something relevant happened. Well considering that's not gonna happen, and I haven't done that since I started this blog, I'll post now.

Nothing happened while I was gone from here. I don't hate more people I don't like anyone else. My feelings are still pretty much the same.

I went to pride here. It was great I got to see a lot of people and I had a good time hanging out with my friends.

Saw a couple movies, went to a couple of clubs, got rejected from one for not being old enough. I mean seriously 21 is not good enough for some people! DAMN... well at least I got something to look forward to... 25 here I come!

School is gonna start this August and I'm really hoping to move in with my best friend Dana... Things aren't really going as planned though. My dad is throwing a into the whole thing. I'm trying to get my car situation in order but my personal property and his are both connected. I think it's in his name. So all together we have to pay $375 when I know mine alone can't be anymore than $50.

He won't pay his. I need this car if I'm gonna move. It's my transportation.

I think I'm just gonna take the bus, because I can't stand this anymore. I want to just move out and take a step in the right direction. At least one thing will be right. I will have my own place.

I can't bare the thought of living in this house for another year. I CAN'T TAKE IT! D. is my closest link outta here. I'm okay with being broke.. not eating, or whatever but I'm not okay with being in this house. Lol, my aura is being stifled by all these kids and rules.

As for T. I'm done... no more to talk about case closed.

Now my mom wants me to find my camera so I can take pictures of this guy she invited over our house... I don't know what the fuck she's doing but this is why I gotta get outta here. How do I get dragged into this shit?! I see a disaster in my future.

Or maybe he's hot I can coerce him into a nude shoot. DAMN i need my own place. D:

2009-06-30T14:31:00.001-07:00

This is basically just a test to see if I can blog from my phone, or if I fail at life. Thats pretty much it.

I'm not in the mood

2009-05-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

It is really not the time for me to write any real posts. I will give you the privilage of listening to M.I.A. Boyz because of course... I like teh boiz :)

Mia - Boyz
:)

DL #3

2009-05-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

Ugh he's on downe.....

Bleh idk his name

He's like Latino and stuff. :) I think he's hot.

I am at the mercy of your unrelenting critisizm. :/

Precious

2009-05-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

Going through a down peroid. So I figure I'll just show you guys a trailer.

This is precious. Now I caught this over at another blog and I have to say I had my reservations. I mean Lenny Kravitz and Mariah Carey. Not possible. I mean how could they give this chick anoter role after Glitter? Now that I've seen the trailer though I must say I'm convinced this might be really good.

I like the concept, characters, and it looks like Gabourey Sidibe will be going far. She looks exceptional in the trailer. Soooo yeah I'm gonna see this.

Again and Again

2009-05-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

I love this song and I guess it would be an appropriate first music post. This is so the automatic music won't annoy the shit out of my readers. :)

DL #2

2009-05-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

Meet KidSwagger

This guy... I like

His style is kinda like mine. I (myself) think he's cute! Lol, you may not agree but hell! Whatever!

He could use a couple pushups but hey nice..... swag huh?

StarTrek PWNS Meh FACE!!!

2009-05-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

So, last night ended up being made of win! T did call me and cancel. This was a given. Me and Dana met up and we went to the mall. I had been planning on buying this great Divided jacket from H&M for a while now. It has been on this list of things that would make me happy and I've finally scratched it off. Yay me! I also got this vest and a t-shirt. I think I had been there about 3 times to look and see if it was still there. Each time I tried to hide that shit and everytime it was right back in the fuckin open!!! Fuck them for trying to sell it to someone else!!!

Well after that we decided instead of pool (because we know how that would turn out) we would just go straight to watching StarTrek. Well I had gotten a soda from the mall, and Dana joked about sneaking it in to the theatre. I was all for it! So she put it in her bag and we were off to see the movie. I got in, got comfortable and opened the coke... I put it to my mouth and all of a sudden my crotch, shirt and ass were all soaked. I looked over only to see Dana gaffawing in her chair. Just writhing! WTF!!! I ended up moving to the next seat over and trying to enjoy the movie. I had to sit with my ass completely off the seat. My back was where my butt should have been, I was uncomfortable as hell! I had to wipe down my crotch like 5 times. Good thing the movie was phuckin amazin!

We get in the car. By this time my ass and crotch were all dry and she gives me a confession. "So when I got out of the car my bag fell on the ground."

Me: "................."

D. ".................."

Fuckin AWESOME!!!!

After that we went to a dirty Denny's. The food was good but the menu was all sticky and if I had to use a utencil I would have totally washed it off myself before using it.

------------------------------------------------------------

So I decided to save the ST part for last.

I loved it. I wasn't a Trekky growing up.... lol, I'm still not. In fact I must say this is my first real venture into the StarTrek world. My only real link to it has been my mom. She was a StarTrek fanatic. That being said I couldn't rate this movie on it's continuity, or accuracy, but I can say this was a great movie in it's own right.

It had above par acting to say the least. A great mixture of comedy, drama, action, and romance for its genre. Abrams did a wonderful job at directing. He used the LACK of sound perfectly. The parts that were silent NEEDED to be silent. The effects were great, which is more than I can say for a the movie dedicated to a certain mutant!

I loved Chris Pine. I have to admit I wasn't a fan of his before, but his character portrayal nailed it for me. The part where McCoy tries to relieve Kirk of his symptoms while Kirk runs around the ship is classic. I loved everyones characters and this has to be one of the better movies of the summer. Way to set the bar Abrams. :)

Kicks :)

2009-05-14T14:45:00.001-07:00

So I did get my shoes a couple days ago. So I guess things are looking up! I mean I can't really compain. RITE?

Poor Me

2009-05-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

It doesn't seem like things ever look up for me!

T broke up with me.... well I wish, but he did say he wasn't going to be able to make it tomorrow. I was all *thumbs up* pretending I didn't give a shit when I really did, at the moment.

I told Dana I wanted to see Star Trek because I heard it was amazing. By this time I was kind of over it. I mean whatever. I'm into him but I have to not let this guy get to me. It was harder than I thought to be cool but I felt if he was going to back out then why should I feel bad. I mean there's nothing wrong with me.. (at least I don't think) and I can still hang with Dana. She's awesomer than he is anyway. She just doesn't have a dick.

Well she came over and was all "Why did he say he couldn't come?"

Me:"I don't know something about cutting grass."

D: "Shit man, It'll be seven, you don't have to do that shit at night!"

Me: "Idk, it's no big deal."

T *walks up*

D: "T! How come you can't go?"

T: "-insert lame excuse about grass here.-"

D: "Well be meeting after 730 so what are we really saying here?"

T: "Yeah you're right, because I really did want to go! I felt bad seein yall over there talkin."

D: "Okay so we cool?"

T: "Yeah!"

Me: T_T

It's amazing how well this kid can fake enthusiasm. Dana said he was backing out because he didn't want her to go. Because he wanted it to be "just the two of us." That's nice and everything, but whatever the reason, he's an ass for not being more up front about it. As much as I love his ass, (and I do just mean his ass) I really don't like how... fake he is. I really didn't want to use that word but seriously, the only reason he agreed was because he was called out. And I don't want to hang out with some guy that's forced to be with me. It's fuckin stupid.

Sooo it's prolly just gonna be me and Dana... I guess we'll see. It's be cool anyway. I really want to see Star Trek and there's this jacket at H&M I want to buy so yeah! I'm looking on the bright side.

Today is Let Down Day

2009-05-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I figured today I was going to have this EPIC post about how great my day was, how I'll be hanging out with T on Thursday, how I finished all my school work, and how I got my new shoes in the mail.

Well God was like "FUCK ALL OF THAT!!!"

My day sucked hairy giraffe balls. :( I did end up finishing my paper (full of bs) and doing okay on my final. So I guess the first 2hours of my day wasn't that bad. Then I went for a nap...

I kept waking up because I thought I heard someone knocking on the door! MY SHOES! I kept running to the door to see nothing but porch, grass, and fuck! :( Then I had to go to work. I didn't even get to talk to Dana much and T was there. :( I don't have fun when he's there. I concentrate too much on him. Plus the lack of sleep made me irritable. I went into full on jerk mode... I was only playing with him, and he knows it so it was okay. I feel like I'm still a little jealous of him and I want to make him feel bad because I know I'm smarter than him. I don't think that's the right way to approach it, and looking at it now makes me seem a little immature.

Now originally me and T we're supposed to hang by ourselves, BUT I wanted Dana to go and I guess so did T. Dana wanted to go too. So we decided "Why not?" I guess the plan is we're going to meet with Dana at around 7, go to the mall, then play some pool. I guess. :/ It's odd because I think it could be fun and then again it could go horribly wrong.

I have mixed feelings but because I didn't quite feel comfortable with hanging out with him by myself, but at the same time I wonder how much we're going to learn about each other with the three of us there. T_T I don't know. I need some sleep.

Btw T is a poor man's Reggie Bush. Hey it's not a bad thing it's just my most accurate portrayal.

Yet another final tomorrow.

This will be me and T one day. :) lol.

DL #1

2009-05-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

It's Downe Fridays!

This is something new I'm going to start doing. Every week some hot guy! Tell me if you likey!

This is SHAWN

He has the most beautiful eyes ever, and the dog makes him even cuter! Apparently he's Sophisticated, Huge, Altruistic, Worldly, and Noisy... nice.

Anyway, I guess look for these every friday.. because I don't have a life and such.

This will help me make at least 1 post a week. And I got J's Seal of Approval, so it's worth it.

Who? Steph Jones! Who?

2009-05-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

Okay so I officially have another celebrity crush! I'm not going to post on Tae Yang because shots has that guy on lock.

Steph Jones is gorgeous!

He has a beautiful personality to boot! A little on the crazy side :) ~~Reminds me of.... me!~~ He's a cool guy

What a body!

His lips are great too! very kissable.

I got this video from on youtube... This B. Scott person is weird but funny. Lol, when I saw it I skipped forward to see the part where he shows his tatoos!

I so woulda copped a feel. eh but that's just me.

Can i get a?......

2009-05-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

Damn, I need some sleep. FUCK IT!

I never thought I'd put my social life above school. I just got home from a Cinco de Mayo party... I'm so over those. Fuck, I'm celebrating Diez de Junio bitches!!!! Anyone wanna join me? I'm gonna get fuckin trashed and chill really hard the next day!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!! :/

Anyway, so look at me! I'm going to GNC later this week and I'm gonna buy some protein powder. Then I'm going to my gym and I'm gonna go apeshit all over their equipment for like an hour, then come home all sweaty and eat a steak!!! I will do this 6 times a week and rest on Wednesday. Just a random day I picked just now. Seriously though the gym and protein thing is true. I'm sick of being a twig. Lol, it's not like I have a bad body... I just want it to be bigger. C'mon just give me some PROPS!!!!

I got T's number. I don't know why I'm still dwelling on this. I thought I was over it. Hey, he seems to really like me, and I like attention. He asks Dana about me all the time. :) I guess I'm likeable... ha right? :( Don't answer that.

I'm really trying not to fail any of my classes this semester but I'm not doing a good job. Here's to 2 weeks from now when I won't fucking care to remember what happened at this time!

I'll be back, I have to type a works cited page...........

So Down

2009-04-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

I've been on this site downelink for a while now. I'm not so sure what to think about it. I'm not really a hook up kinda guy. I guess my pictures said otherwise.

I wonder if I should start posting some of the hot guys I see on there....

Is that some sort of copyright infringement?

Call.the.Shots, this is totally why I want to move to Cali.... Have you seen all the hot guys that live there?! Downe is quickly moving me to the west coast!

:D I'm also totally into this new Day26! Maxwell and Ginuwine are coming out with new CD's too! I'm in total R&B mode now! But wait... ~~when was basketball divided in quarters? I thought it was divided in halves!~~ I'm a dumbass. :)

Mere Wanting

2009-04-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking, a lot lately. I wonder if I'm wasting my life away. I really don't know. How does one waste their life. When do they find this out. when they look back and regret all the things they didn't do? Or is it while thinking about the future, about the goals you have but will never reach? Realizing you're on the wrong track but you won't step off because it's too difficult. I'm not sure... I don't know...

I thought I was doing a good job. I thought I was moving forward. I had a plan. Yeah things fall by the wayside, problems arise, there are numerous bumps in the road, but I thought I handled these things with a kind of grace. I was moving at my own pace. I had a conversation. It made me think. What am I doing right now. Just because I texted some guy, told two of my friends, and my father about me does not make me accomplished. I have more to do. I have further to go.

My goals are to move out of the house, graduate from college, start a job... no a career, meet new people, be myself, be happy, love someone, be loved, go places/travel, speak new languages with other people. There's no time frame, I just want these things. I don't know how to go about getting them, I will just work at it, and reach until I can actually grab them. I've been trying to take steps, small ones, strong ones.

I was basically shot down: "You need to stop worrying what people think. Live your life because no one else can live it but you. You need to put yourself out there more. How is anybody going to know if you don't put yourself out there?" I know all these things. I want to do this for myself, but I'm not ready yet. I'm pulling myself along... MYSELF! I'm not there yet, but I promise I will be. I promise MYSELF! I can't go on through life this alone forever. Not this alone!!!

I know there's someone out there looking for me. I want to lay back on the ground with him and look at the sky, fold our hands behind our heads and talk about nothing, beautiful nothing, and feel the night, the warm breezy night on our skin. I can't help but smile because this is all possible. It can happen. I'll do what I can for now. I'll reach my goals no matter what anyone says. One day it'll be my time, and I will bask in it. The enjoyment of those moments will never cease. I enjoy them even before they happen.

This video and song are beautiful to me.

Catching up

2009-04-23T00:26:00.000-07:00

Well, again I've been away for a while. This time it was completely unintentional. While I was gone I was totally having internet withdrawals, you know, the shivers, nightmares, vomiting.... um, no.

Well, let me help you catch up a bit.

My birthday was April 17th :) It was a great day!!! In the afternoon me and my friend Dana (not gonna hide her name anymore) mall hopped. I really didn't get much since I'm in a financial crunch. I wanted to get a $50 jacket from H&M but alas, no. Later on we went to Dana's friend Rachael's house. Her sister (very unattractive to me) tagged along with us. We all went to a Chinese restaurant. I got plenty of food and tried crab legs for the first time. YES crab legs at a Chinese restaurant, don't judge! Plus I'm not much of a seafood guy. Later on we dropped Rachael's "floppy" sister off back at their house. We tried to go to a club but I was too under dressed which is never my problem. We couldn't go so me and Dana decided to chill at a coffee shop the rest of the night, til 4am.

I wasn't at home the entire day so my family were sitting at home around a birthday cake my dad had bought me waiting to sing me happy birthday. :( I was kinda sad. Other than that my birthday was fun.

Before that me and Dana went back to that gay club. Now what I just found out was it was a lesbian club. Most of the people in there were chicks. Kinda defeats the purpose for me but Dana enjoyed it so :). We stayed there til it closed. It was okay but a lack of interaction. But hey much better than the first time. There was a nice little lip sync show and one guy with an amazingly huge ass... in a good way.

Recently I did something kind of interesting. One of my older friends called me on my birthday. He wanted to hang out in a park. Considering I spent the whole day with D I didn't have the time but I told him I really wanted to hang, so we should do a post birthday type thing. Well I really wanted to talk to him. So we didn't talk the next day and I text him to hang out. He said "K".....

...Whatever. So I just texted him that I was "into guys. no big deal." I haven't head from him since. I'm a little frustrated at the lack of communication but hey mostly I'm just relieved. I told someone else!!!! *sigh* Just not the best reaction. :(

There's a little bit more but I don't want to bombard my first post back... here's some tasty treats. :)

Love his skin and build...

Dude this guy is beautiful and I love the way he's wearing the hat.

Below... I like the guy in the gray... very cute... both definitely know how to move...

More hopefully SOON.

A hiatus intails coming back... eventually

2009-04-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

Okay... so I was on a "life" hiatus from this. Just posting random junk. Well, I'm back.

As you may or may not know I recently got a hair cut! It was a big deal for me. I was growing out my hair for about 4 years. I had dreads and recently I had been underwhelmed with the progress I was making. I didn't like the way they were turning out, they didn't look right on me. The maintenance was pretty lame and the guy doing my hair I think was destroying it every day I went.

So I decided to lop it all off. It might have been one of the best moves of my life. Even though I miss the length, I feel really liberated. I've also been getting a lot of compliments. Mostly from people who've known me for a while. I've been growing my hair ever since I started college so the poeple in my classes were all super surprised. I got some people who didn't even recognize me.

I've gotten comment like "lookin good." to "Taye Diggs" (who I look nothing like,) to "Let's be in a boy band." (This will be another post)

Now I have all intentions of goin out, but I'm still a bit weary. I guess it's hard for me to be seen outside of myself. I'm so different now. Any other day I'd wear tshirts, baggy jeans, head down, and I'd be styling a big chip on my shoulder. Don't forget the hair.

Now I've lost all of that. I have nothing to hide behind. I'm moving forward and it's a little scary. It's easy for me to just go along day by day doing the same thing day in day out, but I don't want that anymore. I can't wait for exciting things to happen to me. I have to make them happen. Now It's vnecks, graphic tees, nice jeans, a smile, and maybe even a laugh.

Oh by the way, one guy from one of my classes asked me for my number so we could "study." lol things are going pretty good.

Oh and thanks J, x!, Yan, and Just Words and everyone else for cheerin me up about the green. lol I wanted a mixture of green and purple to make it feel like home. I think I might toy around with my layout in the future. :D

Titles Are Overrated

2009-04-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

As if I wasn't on ABDC overload before... well I'm looking at this shit even when they're in their off season

Oh well these guys tried out for season 3 and didn't make it but I LOVE them.

This is their audition tape. You may or may not like it. I think it's cute and they woulda gone far!

This is just hilarious... reminds me of some fun times I have with my friends.

I just did this to let people know I'm alive. I really do have stuff to blog about but I'm having trouble getting the feelings out. I haven't really told anybody this stuff so it's awkward.

Damnit!!!

2009-04-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

Too green!!!! What the hell?!

Ahhh good times...

2009-04-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

*Sigh* April, the month of my birth. I'm going to be 22 on the 17th. :)

idk... I just had to add this. He's ridiculous!

Me and D. made plans, Chicago, we invited K and now we're both realizing that there's no way that we're going to be able to do it. Financially we're both pretty unstable. It sucks. I've spent the past couple birthdays not doing anything because I don't want my male friends to surprise me with a strip club like they did my one of my other friends...

I need to stop being so closed. Me and D. decided we're going to spend the night clubbing or something. That sounds cool. We scheduled Chicago for a later date (perhaps when it's warmer), and I'm still going to be out of the house, which is my ultimate goal.

Now I really get to show off my new haircut and new look. I'm thinking, graphic T from Jimmy's, a black vest, a studded belt from hot topic, some straight leg jeans, and a cap that's just barely on my head, lol!

I'm pretty happy.

Oh and I started twittering too!!! :) D! K! JOIN ME!!!!!!!!!

Long gone

2009-03-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

I cut off all of my hair!

Word to the Wise...

2009-03-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

Do not fall for someone you're jealous of!

I really don't know what kind of advise this is, if it can be considered advice at all. I just fell into a trap. This guy I like, T, I think/thought was amazing. I don't think we have the best conversations but he's always managed to keep my interests. Physically however I'm very pleased with him. It never ceases to amaze me how physically attracted I am to him. Every time he comes around I want to just stare, but I know I can't. That would be too much. He has such a great ass. Football has done him VERY good.

It used to make me happy just to see him, but things have changed.

I get irritated when he comes around. When he talks to other people I get slightly jealous. He says things to me like "We're going to get you to fill out that shirt. You should come work out with us." or if some hot girl comes around he whispers, "I think she came here because of me." What the hell? Confidence is one thing... THAT! That is not confidence, it's arrogance. Arrogance in anyone pisses me off. Or am I just jealous. Maybe she did come over here because he's drop dead gorgeous. I mean, he does get ME going.

It sucks. I have such bad days when he's around. I can't always tell if he genuinely likes me as a person or if I'm just somebody else to talk to. I'm getting over him though... I don't think this is healthy. I never have. There's got to be somebody else out there for me.

PS: Never really got that saying... Why would I be giving advice TO the wise? I'm a dumbass I know.

Chew..... then swallow.

2009-03-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

I need to stop eating gum!

I was going through my day just fine. I popped in a piece of gum. 5 Gum, Elixir. It's not that strong, but it's okay. I tried talking to a customer. Talk, chew, talk, chew. Easy right?

Somewhere during that process the gum jumped right to the back of my throat. Why? i don't know. It stayed there. It was at the point where you could fucking do anything about it. It was just back there waiting to be swallowed. I tried! I tried so hard, but no use. I kept going back. WHAT THE HELL!? Why now? At this point I had to have made this awful face, maybe like I needed to take a crap. It was a horribly long experience, very long. I could see all the glares. The customer just stared at me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine trick! I don't need your fucking sympathy!" I was going to be okay. I just popped another piece in. Do I never learn?

Spittin' a verse...

2009-03-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend I've finally been hanging with one of my really great friends K. We spent a couple nights at a coffee shop. We need to find another spot. People are starting to know us there.

A couple nights ago we had been there pretty late and we we're having a pretty nice conversation and this guy walks in. He seemed a bit unkempt, he was carrying a lot of stuff that he just dropped at the nearest table. He was most likely homeless. He was talking to himself quite a bit so all of us pretty much looked down and tried not to make eye contact. Lol, yeah I know that's mean but seriously we're trying to make it outta there alive. Why are we mean?

There were these two guys sitting at a table directly across from us and the man decides he was going to rap for them. He just stops right in front of them and starts flowing... non stop. :(

We all instinctively picked up our drinks and walked out the door. I felt sorry for those two guys. We shoulda stuck it out with them, but hey I didn't want a show.

-------------------------------------

I think Omarion is so hot...

Just adorable.

And he's gained some size, too. I think I like em bulky. I don't know why.

I don't really like the song or his voice. I just put the video on mute and look at his body and those beautiful lips. :D totally reminds me of T.

Neapolitan

2009-03-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

It's been pretty warm recently. I've got a bit of time off and I've been seeing more guys and less clothes. I'm soooo glad winter is over!

Omg, this guy has the perfect body, and he's beautiful! We don't have enough guys like this where I live.

I LOVE dark haired guys with olive or tan skin. Especially when they have light eyes to offset their dark features.

Black guys are beautiful... no matter what anyone says. I'm not picky when it comes to guys at all. For the most part the the above guys are kinda big, but when it comes to skin color or just ethnicity I really don't have a preference. All kinds of guys can be hot! I know certain people are into certain kinds of guys but hey that's their thing, I like my ice cream Neapolitan! :)

Latino guys too! :) He's got some pretty sexy lips!

Football will always be my sport! I've seen pics of this guy around before! He has the hottest man V ever. I need to get some pics of those. It's getting close to being my favorite body part on a guy! I'm making mine better to. Maybe I'll show some of my body pics one day. ;)

Reference: Lifespan of a Memory

2009-03-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

My aunt comes marching in the door, quickly heading toward the bathroom. This must be important. My aunt doesn't just make casual appearances. She's anything but casual. She's usually caught in some haughty picturesque clothing, which highly differs from her attitude. She's rather down to earth so to speak, very blunt and slightly crude. I like that about her. She sits on the couch, next to her sits my brother. Beside me are my mom and sister, and my dad rounds out the group siting on the other side of my aunt.

We all knew why she was here. She wanted to talk about her brother... my dad. We're killing him. Very literally that's what we're doing. This is how she feels at least. It's been a while now since my dad told me about being diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. It's a multi-symptom disease in which the person may have difficulty breathing, serious fatigue unchanged by sleep, and a host of other symptoms. We haven't, as a family, been doing our part to ease the pain dads feeling. He takes it upon himself to drive everywhere do all the food buying, cooks, cleans, does "chores" for other people, and not to mention he works.

I've done what I can. I try to cook, clean, take my siblings where they need to go, and I definitely try to help out finantially. In fact, that's what I'm still here for, otherwise I'd have tried to go off to another college in a land far far away! Now you may be thinking "Where's the mother in all of this?" That's why my aunt was there.

My mom's always been kinda... vacant to say the least. She spends most of her time on the computer and when she's not doing that she's on tv or watching a movie. in the past 5-10 years it's gotten really bad. She's lost multiple jobs, she's gaining weight, and it's harder for her to function in general. She never cooks and the thought of her picking up someone from school or wherever they need to go is seen as ludicrous! My dad, apparently knew when he married her it would be a struggle with her. (That's another post.)

My aunt began to cry. We we're killing her brother all because we we're too lazy, and we allowed him to do all the work. She cried so hard it started to effect me and I'm a sociopathic asshole. She asked us all what we could do to help eleviate some of dad's stresses. I emphasised everyone trying to cut back on the peripheral outings. These are the things that leaves dad picking people up at all hours of the night. My sister said that my mom should help her with her "feminine needs." (yuck) MY dad goes to the store with my sister and gets tampons, feminine wash, powders, and makeup and shit all the time for her. I think my mom needs to wake up!

I love my dad and would do anything for him. I'm slightly afraid that my mothers subpar performance might keep me at home for much longer than I want to be. Both parents are obviously getting sicker and I think it's up to me to take care of them. I'm beginning to think I'm going to sacrafice my life to make my parents happy. It depresses me just thinking about it. My siblings both don't work, I do. My mother does now, but is nearly useless when she comes home, and now my dad's sick. I feel so lost and the kids aren't helping.

When my aunt left we all felt like we had some sort of epiphany. Things had to change. My aunt suggested seeing a therapist for my mother (We all really need one.) She also said she will help me get a car so I can act on my own a bit. Things haven't changed much in the past couple days. We'll see. I hope everything goes well. Hope is all I've been falling on so far.

I want everyone's memory of this conversation to last a long time. The next day my brother even with my suggestions decided to "hang" at some kid's house, which is all fine and dandy but they didn't give him a ride home so now I'm sitting at his school waiting a half an hour for my brother to walk there from this kid's house and my mom was "too tired" to do anything. This was the night I planned on hanging with D. I had a ride to and from where I had to go. He didn't. So now my friend was sitting waiting for me while i was sitting waiting for him... Memories die quick. I will be here forever.

Another First

2009-03-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

So... after a hectic few hours today I decided to hang with D. Trust me, I have more friends but she's so monopolizing my time at the moment.... This is a good thing. She's super cool!!! After getting some Chipotle we were going to see The Watchmen, we ditched that idea. I mean nearly 3 hours in a theater does not sound appealing, no matter how comfortable the seats are. We decided to play pool.

There we're a few really cute Asian guys there. That made me happy. Later this guy came in with his girl. That was nice enough. They set up at the table right next to us. Everything was chill... until they started talking.

"Why the hell did you pick pool if you weren't good at it?!" This guy is an asshole to his girlfriend.

"Sorry baby." Submissive. That's cute, but so 1950's.

The guy spent the entire night criticizing her her pool skills. And he fuckin sucked too! I wanted to go over there and smash his head on the table and pretend it was the 8 ball. Too bad he was like 9 feet tall..... I have anger issues.

We left later on. I totally dominated by the way. I love you D! =) We we're going to go to our normal coffee shop but I decided I was okay with goin to the gay club... I wanted to try it. I was a little freaked. I kept thinkin about backin out everytime she asked "Are you sure you want to go?"

*FUCK NO!*.... "Ready as I'll ever be." I just hope no-one sees me. It's funny that people think that this will actually happen. I mean I'm in a city of hundreds of thousands of people why would I see someone I know?

So we walk in this small, almost dive bar type establisment. I was underwhelmed. I can't remember what song was playing but nothing of importance. Why was I suprised no-one looked like Tae Yang, Omarion, Gael Garcia Bernal, Bi-rain, Channing Tatum? High standards much? D then turns to me and says something unfortunate. "Jere's here."

What the hell? This guy works with me. We need to go. *sigh* I wasn't actually expecting the experience to be this.... well bad. I might go again but not expecting anything. At all. My first time at a gay club. Maybe second times a charm.... Whatever.

Lifespan of a memory

2009-03-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

This shit is going to be a really long post....

I will do this one when I have time.

Back in Action?

2009-03-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been hectic. I haven't really been able to see any of my friends, I've been insanely sick taking pills the size of my face, and I have a lot of midterm school work to do. I also kinda miss T. KINDA!

I don't know what to say really, I've been working so hard and subsequently getting stressed that I find no time in my life to cool down. I guess that's what lead to my being sick. Low immunity levels. I bought some Flintstones Gummies with extra C. Yes I am 21 years old. They smell bad, and they're expensive. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better now though.

Of all the school stuff I had to day was one of the most challenging days. I had 2 speeches and a test and a midterm due for the next day. Being sick does not help with your "vocal variety!" However I did well on both the speeches and I think I might have done okay on the test... :/ Who knows.

I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I want to exclusively concentrate on guys. I just feel lonely now. Accomplished but no one to share the relief with. :(

One day.... One day.

Enduring frailty.

2009-03-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling horrible. My nerves are going haywire, I have a fever, and I've been trying to get rid of this headache with Motrin.

I don't think it's physically possible for me to stay on for too long, but I will do more updating later.

I mean it just started getting warm and this is when I get sick. AWESOME!

Later... :/

Man handled

2009-03-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

I'm preparing for classes at around 6 Wednesday morning. Fun Stuff! I'm not thinking about classes. I'm thinking about the rest of my day. Okay wait! I won't lie. I was a bit worried about what my grade would be on the midterm I took in Business Law. And I was freaked about my test in Organizational Behavior. I didn't put my glasses on when I was typing my paper topic for Business Law. Honestly I'm not sure exactly what ended up on the paper I printed out. I step in the law class, on time for the first time since I started the class. A new leaf has been turned. He sets the tests on the table for everyone to retrieve. Free for all. I sift through each one with every other person in the class invading my personal space. Finally MINE! I sit down in my seat frantically searching for the grade...

225.... 225? What was this out of. 600? No.... 250! 225/250... ???

90%... A! Relieved doesn't begin to describe!

Literally the rest of that class passed by in what seemed to be mere seconds. My next class, Organizational behavior. Test. Not just any test. A midterm... She passes them out almost 10 minutes into class. This is only a 50 minute class. Lucky for us the test was 15 questions. Multiple choice. I was outta there!

Me and D. spent pretty much the whole rest of the day together. It was pretty amazing! First we went to the mall. I had money finally. This was my time. Relax, and spend. I bought a pair of shoes. I haven't had new shoes since last Christmas... and I didn't even buy them. We talked then I bought two polos. We talked some more. She's great. Then I bought a scarf. If you saw the video I posted before this Hok (Australian on Quest Crew) was wearing one exactly like it.... I'm happy now. I haven't bought things for myself in about a year. It's cool to do for yourself once in a while.

Then we played pool and we started talking about T (This is Ponze... I refuse to call him that because it sounds stupid.) Me D and T have talked with eachother for a while and she was telling me about how she notices things.... What things?

She said "it's obvious that you like eachother!"... What?... What makes it obvious?

"The way he looks at you. The way he always touches you when we're talking."

He pats me on the arm, or shoulder, or back every chance he gets. I figured it's just a guy thing. I tried to put it in the back of my mind. No need getting too optimistic. It made me feel good though. The way he looks at me. Those sly touches he gives me when ever he gets the chance. How he spends almost every minute of his off time talking to me. Making up conversations.

Later we went to see Slumdog Millionaire. The movie was great! Very original concept and the actors the ones you see every day. Everything seemed fresh. Frieda Pinto is beautiful, and Dev Patel is talented and awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed it and recomend it.

We ended off at Coffee Cartel and further planned our trip to Chicago and maybe a road trip next year. This had to have been one of the best days ever. I can see there being so much more! I gotta stay positive, positivity is all I have. =)

-------------------------------------------------------

PS. ABDC SPOILER ALERT

Quest took it. Yes the men won again. They did good though. I gotta comend them on their performance, but I must say not only did Beat Freaks give them a run for their money they out performed them a lot of times too. Honestly Shane jinxed them and I think he might need to start shuting that pie hole.

BUT GREAT JOB TO BOTH CREWS!

My SHOW!

2009-03-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm going to watch America's Best Dance Crew in about 45 minutes. I love both of these crews and will be happy no matter who wins.

HOWEVER!!!!!!

Quest Crew seriously and with no biases OUT PERFORMED Beat Freaks in both performances. I think it'd be great if a girl crew won, but hey, Quest did better soooo...

You judge.

Or"Quest"ra

or Freak the Dream?

New post later... after the show

Maybe, it's not meant to be!

2009-03-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

lol picture by... wait for it... Mazda6 (Tor) lol I don't know who this is... Anyway...

I've been doing this school thing for well.... 15 close to 16 years now and I don't think it's working. Granted I love learning with every ounce of my body. I was even teaching myself Japanese for a while! Learning is my passion! I can't get enough of it. I just don't get formal education. It's not that it's hard... it's just sooo mundane! I can't help but walk into a classroom and feel a rush of boredom just pour over me. My eyes start to glaze over and I feel sleep bristling at my shoulders, reaching around and trying to softly shut my eyes as if I'm laying there dead...

Ugh. I skipped class today. This has to be like my 3rd or 4th time. I'm loosing count. I was asleep. I didn't feel productive. It's not like I had anything better to do. i just slept.... It felt good. I hate that. I've been trying to go to class more and more. It's bad enough that my first classes are at 8 in the morning. One of my last classes ends at 10:30 and it's a 4 and a half hour class. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? Not to mention my mind is elsewhere. I'm thinking about love, life, heroes, villains, Japan, Italy, France, Spain, comics, video games, blogs, and food. Everything but my 18 hours of classes. Even now I should be studying for a speech I have to give (That's my 4.5 hour class.)　面倒くさいね

I want to do well, I want to graduate! Ultimately I want to do something with my bachelors degree, earn/save up some money and move to California! I don't want to be here the rest of my life. I can't, I won't allow it! I need to get my attitude straight. I need to weigh the pros and cons. Is one day of sleeping in reallygoing to get me where I need to be. Of course not! Being well rested and being well educated sometimes don't go hand in hand. Maybe I just need a cute guy to keep me coming to class. Yes that would help. Ugh I need to concentrate and do this informational speech. If I don't I will die. I cannot fail Public speaking!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!

Can I not just forget?

2009-03-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

Well I'm gonna need a little history for this one! So this guy, I'll call him Ponze, lol! (I probably won't remember that tomorrow.) I guess you can say I have this crazy crush on him. This is my problem. I don't think I can feel like this for too long. It seems so unhealthy, but I like it so much. I find myself thinking about him when in class, at home, everywhere. It's really quite sad I guess.

Well I met him while I was working. He was actually renting a video. He's kinda big, like football player big. Ha well considering he's a football player. He seems like your average jock. He definitely looked like one when he was standing there in his wifebeater and basketball shorts. He came up to the counter and of course I was intimidated, not because of his size but how cute he was. Up until this point I had only seen the back of him. Hey, that was pretty pleasant view too. Well, he asked me if we had a video in, then said "Don't make funna me, but I want the Lion King." I just smiled and said Yeah we probably do somewhere. He seemed a little embarrassed and then said it was for his little cousin. "Yeah, sure. Ha, it's cool Lion King's definitely a classic."

Now I'm thinking not only is he physically awesome but mentally too. I mean come one THE LION KING? =) I was even more shocked to know that he worked there too! Now I was fully in crush mode. Of course it wasn't nearly as strong as it is now. I mean I had no reason to believe this guy was gay... at all. No... like, AT ALL! Later on he would come into an aisle that I was working in and just chat, Eventually it was Halloween and I asked him his plans fully expecting him to say some college party or something. Well he said he was just going to sit around and watch scary movies! The essence of Halloween. He's just gotten 10x cuter to me. I totally missed the chance to sit with him and ~~makeout~~ watch scary movies.

Anyway I've begun to get more and more confused about his, well I guess, sexuality. Literally he comes around me and talks about movies that might have had a gay character in them. He knows a lot of hot male actors, and he likes them for their "acting skills." Like Hayden Christiansen or Jesse Metcalfe, and Jason Statham. I mean really, the only one with acting chops (and this is a big maybe) is Statham. Lol! He also doesn't know the names of many female celebs. He told me liked "That girl from 'That 70's Show!'" Yeah how about Mila Kunis.... Then he asked me if I were to "be with" any celebrity who would it be.... I said Keri Hilson. =( Anyway he even mixed up saying guy and girl before when talking about relationships. He sometimes calls me on the work phones when he knows I'm there, and when I don't pick up he tells me about it. He totally goes out of his way to say things to be when he sees me. And I always know he's happy when I'm around. :( I just wish I could tell him how happy he make me sometimes...

Then he goes on to flirt with random chicks. *sigh*

It also makes me jealous because he's really attractive, and these girls tend to respond. Smiles, second looks and the like! I couldn't do that even if I did try to flirt. I'm not that sexy.

Today I got this text from my friend D sayin "I think you're right about R. liking Ponze.".... ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? That is not something I wanted to be right about! R. is D's friend. And R, for lack of better phrasing, likes to sleep and flirt with guys... a lot. Will she was talking to Ponze one day, giving him Maudi Gras beads and he said. "I'm not going to be able to fit those around my thick ass neck." I looked at him yeah he was right, it was pretty thick :)

Well R said exactly that, and then said something about getting a tattoo of her on his sexy neck and she'll be his boo. :( I proceeded to throw up a little in my mouth. I told D about this later and she reassured me that R flirts with everyone! She totally thinks Ponze is gay and wants him to admit it.... Then I get this fucking fantastic text! She doesn't flirt with ME! *sigh* I have sooo many feelings running through my head, jealousy, sadness, anger, and just plain fed up. I need to stop thinking about this guy. It just isn't healthy. I've never wanted to be one of those lame people crushing over someone that doesn't even notice them.

STEP OFF, BITCH!

2009-03-01T00:28:00.000-08:00

They are commenting on where I ultimately want to be in life. They really need to stop hatin!

Primer!

2009-02-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

This is My first post here! I really want to get it right this time... for ME! This is not going to be for anyone else. I really just want to put my life on here to document where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going.

So I guess I'll be starting with what's been going on this year. Well FIRST off I came out to two of my friends. =D I never thought it would happen at one point I thought I was going to die without ever having the courage to say anything. After that weight I feel like I can tell a few more! It makes me happy knowing that I have someone to talk to without holding back! I feel so much more comfortable saying things to and around her.... OH btw it's my friend D... (yes just her first initial til I figure out how I want to do this name thing). I don't know if it was a cop out or not because actually she's gay too and she told me before I told her! Like, weeks before I told her, and the only reason I said anything is because she kept talking to me about chicks. =( I had not fuckin clue what I was talking about so I was like "fuck it! I'm into dudes, I don't give a shit about chicks!"

.......

Awkward silence... It's all history after that lol!

Well on another note I got a new camera!!!! It really, in itself, makes me happy! I went to Maudi Gras and took some pictures. Mostly of topless chicks... something still makes me feel like I need to do things like this to save my manhood... yeah I'll let that go soon. Hey, plus I was dragged there by my staight friends too so there, it wasn't my choice!

Anyway before that me and D went to City Diner and got some food. I wanted to test out my camera a bit but I forgot to take a picture of the food before I started eating it, lol! Soooooo yea, there it is, haha I tore into that thing!!!!

Later on I that week I went to a concert where one of my friend's friends was performing. The guy definitely called me "What's his name!" I totally wanted to fuck up his face. I mean We went to high school together! It's not like you're some big time performer. Fucking hemorrhoid!

Anyway I want to keep doing this. I'll totally post pictures that I take but ones that I think are HOT. Because I like guys... Yes I doooo!!!!!!