Mere Wanting

I've been thinking, a lot lately. I wonder if I'm wasting my life away. I really don't know. How does one waste their life. When do they find this out. when they look back and regret all the things they didn't do? Or is it while thinking about the future, about the goals you have but will never reach? Realizing you're on the wrong track but you won't step off because it's too difficult. I'm not sure... I don't know...

I thought I was doing a good job. I thought I was moving forward. I had a plan. Yeah things fall by the wayside, problems arise, there are numerous bumps in the road, but I thought I handled these things with a kind of grace. I was moving at my own pace. I had a conversation. It made me think. What am I doing right now. Just because I texted some guy, told two of my friends, and my father about me does not make me accomplished. I have more to do. I have further to go.

My goals are to move out of the house, graduate from college, start a job... no a career, meet new people, be myself, be happy, love someone, be loved, go places/travel, speak new languages with other people. There's no time frame, I just want these things. I don't know how to go about getting them, I will just work at it, and reach until I can actually grab them. I've been trying to take steps, small ones, strong ones.

I was basically shot down: "You need to stop worrying what people think. Live your life because no one else can live it but you. You need to put yourself out there more. How is anybody going to know if you don't put yourself out there?" I know all these things. I want to do this for myself, but I'm not ready yet. I'm pulling myself along... MYSELF! I'm not there yet, but I promise I will be. I promise MYSELF! I can't go on through life this alone forever. Not this alone!!!

I know there's someone out there looking for me. I want to lay back on the ground with him and look at the sky, fold our hands behind our heads and talk about nothing, beautiful nothing, and feel the night, the warm breezy night on our skin. I can't help but smile because this is all possible. It can happen. I'll do what I can for now. I'll reach my goals no matter what anyone says. One day it'll be my time, and I will bask in it. The enjoyment of those moments will never cease. I enjoy them even before they happen.

This video and song are beautiful to me.